Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Is it ok to say I'm angry?

The call shocked me. It literally knocked the wind out of me. Leukemia? Leukemia....LEUKEMIA. The thought of cancer never really crossed my mind. All of the struggles, infections, fatigue, nosebleeds, fevers, etc. weren't those all results of her intestinal infections? All these months of fighting the annoying fistula only to lead up to this diagnosis? Two years of suffering to be told "the intestinal issues are healed...but...you have leukemia."

It doesn't make sense.

I'm angry. Is it ok to say I'm angry?

I'm a christian, aren't I supposed to say "God is in control. He has a plan. This will all work out in the end."

I've been struggling with this for awhile. What is an appropriate response to a devastating diagnosis?

I would be lying if I said I didn't suffer from normal human emotions. I would be lying if I said I wasn't feeling sorry for my mom, my dad, my brother...myself.

This isn't fair. Nothing good can come from this. What can I possibly say that could be a witness to those who don't understand our faith?

So do I turn my head away from the One who can comfort me? Do I run to the things that help this pain disappear? I've done it before...it didn't help. There is no comfort in the world. There is no hope out there. Those people are searching for just as much comfort and hope and peace as I am.

So I turn to Jesus.

And in the midst of this dark storm, I have hope. I have peace. And I have comfort.

"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid. I have told you these things so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." John 14:27, 16:33