Nick has this saying,
"Don't beat a dead horse."
I think it is the most ridiculous saying. I usually roll my eyes when he says it, but sometimes...sometimes...I take it for what it really means and it suits perfect with the situation.
My blog is about my life and right now my life is consumed with a death that daily hurts in a new, more painful way. I don't want to "beat a dead horse", but I do want to be honest and open about my struggles.
Have you ever been so exhausted that you can't sleep? So exhausted that your entire body hurts and you're not sure you can keep your eyes open but your mind just won't give in?
Welcome to the "Grieving Process".
At first I was so interested in what I could expect to face over the next year. What I could expect to feel and a certain timeframe for how these feelings would come and go and how long they would stay around for. (I'm a bit of a control freak).
Being the internet geek that I am, I googled it.
"Grieving Process". Enter.
A million expert sites lit up the screen and I could feel exhaustion creeping in.
Guilt. Remorse. Anger. Shock. Relief.
I suddenly didn't want to read any more. My mind was shutting down. Exhaustion got heavier. I didn't want to have to think about my emotions. I didn't want to categorize how I should feel each day.
I just wanted to be.
I needed some advice yesterday. Some advice that specifically could be given only by my mom.
In this day and age, we expect immediate answers and gratification. If I have a question, I text 4-5 people and within seconds I get 4-5 responses. If I need a recipe, a phone number, directions, I google it. I have access to any and all information I could ever need at the push of a button.
In my mental conversation, I was mulling over the ways that I could get the advice I needed. I knew that I couldn't call my mom. She wasn't available. Yet there was this lingering notion that told me, well maybe if I e-mail her then she will have a couple days to get back to me.
It may seem silly, but the actual fact that I cannot, in anyway, get a hold of my mom for any reason is hard to grasp. When I finally wrap my head around it, I think of all the unanswered questions I have. I suddenly have a million pieces of advice that need addressed right this minute.
And each day it gets harder. I don't ever see it getting easier. Her gain is an immense loss for me.
I realized that there isn't a neat, little timeframe that I could give myself. My emotions change every day. One thing remains the same though. I am so emotionally exhausted, its hard to know how I will make it through each day.
But I do. I do because my mom would want me to. I do because my husband and children need me to. I do because it wasn't my time to leave this earth, which means I still have a job to do. I still have people to serve. There are those who need prayer and comfort. And there are those who need Jesus.
"For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain. If I am to go on living in the body, this will mean fruitful labor for me...Convinced of this, I know that I will remain, and I will continue with all of you for your progress and joy in the faith..." 1 Phil 1:21-25