Saturday, April 23, 2011
Friday, April 22, 2011
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
Vitamin D for the Soul...
I've been taking a break. A time to reflect. A time to laugh with my children, connect with my husband, and engage in friendships that I've been missing.
I haven't been writing because I'm finding the joy in life.
The sun, the green grass, the warm breezes - they all remind me that there is a life worth living here. A life full of love and happiness. There will always be sadness, but there is healing in the pain.
We are another step closer to bringing home another child to call our own. The homestudy is complete! The Immigration application is sent, and we are just waiting to be invited to be fingerprinted. Our documents sit neatly in order in a manila folder waiting to be notarized, certified, and apostilled and sent to Ethiopia.
Our family waits in eager prayer for the little picture and name of our daughter waiting for us in another country. My heart leaps knowing its closer. My kids talk about her as if she is already here and a part of our family.
We have big plans for an exciting fundraiser that we are putting together. That will come later, but for now we stand in awe at the feet of One who has brought every penny we've needed.
Our journey is a total God story, and I'm grateful to know that "if our God is for us, then who could ever stop us?"
I haven't been writing because I'm finding the joy in life.
The sun, the green grass, the warm breezes - they all remind me that there is a life worth living here. A life full of love and happiness. There will always be sadness, but there is healing in the pain.
We are another step closer to bringing home another child to call our own. The homestudy is complete! The Immigration application is sent, and we are just waiting to be invited to be fingerprinted. Our documents sit neatly in order in a manila folder waiting to be notarized, certified, and apostilled and sent to Ethiopia.
Our family waits in eager prayer for the little picture and name of our daughter waiting for us in another country. My heart leaps knowing its closer. My kids talk about her as if she is already here and a part of our family.
We have big plans for an exciting fundraiser that we are putting together. That will come later, but for now we stand in awe at the feet of One who has brought every penny we've needed.
Our journey is a total God story, and I'm grateful to know that "if our God is for us, then who could ever stop us?"
Monday, April 4, 2011
New Perspective...
"God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea, though its waters roar and foam and the mountains quake with their surging...Be still and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth." Psalm 46:1-3, 10
I see the world through a new set of eyes.
I am "relearning" how to live. There has been a paradigm shift in the way my life runs. I no longer wake up and call my mom to tell her who got up in the night, discuss American Idol, or complain about the rushed morning I had. I no longer end my day at the hospital visiting for hours and spending precious moments with my parents.
It's a new routine and a new set of rules.
I'm finding the void is impossible to fill, but God's grace is sufficient. He has sent comfort in the form of new friends and renewed relationships. That void will never be filled but it helps dull the pain.
I've seen the vapor that this life is...how it can be snuffed out in an instant. And I feel the urgency of sharing the gospel of my Christ with those around me. There is a harvest of unbelievers hungering for the Word of God, and they don't even know it yet.
There is a stirring in my soul and a desire for people to know the love, peace, and hope that I have.
I can feel joy bubbling in my heart again, and I know that HE is good. HIS promises are true, and HE has never given more than I could bear.
I know my strength. I know what I can handle. And I know that HE is with me.
HE has big plans for me, Nick, and my kids. We are moving forward, and my heart begins to overflow with excitement.
We are waiting. Waiting to put a face to a name. Waiting to enter another world, meet another life, and bring her into our home to fill a missing puzzle piece of the children intended to be in our family.
"Oh my God, He will not delay. My refuge and strength, always. I will not fear, His promise is true, My God will come through always. Always."
I see the world through a new set of eyes.
I am "relearning" how to live. There has been a paradigm shift in the way my life runs. I no longer wake up and call my mom to tell her who got up in the night, discuss American Idol, or complain about the rushed morning I had. I no longer end my day at the hospital visiting for hours and spending precious moments with my parents.
It's a new routine and a new set of rules.
I'm finding the void is impossible to fill, but God's grace is sufficient. He has sent comfort in the form of new friends and renewed relationships. That void will never be filled but it helps dull the pain.
I've seen the vapor that this life is...how it can be snuffed out in an instant. And I feel the urgency of sharing the gospel of my Christ with those around me. There is a harvest of unbelievers hungering for the Word of God, and they don't even know it yet.
There is a stirring in my soul and a desire for people to know the love, peace, and hope that I have.
I can feel joy bubbling in my heart again, and I know that HE is good. HIS promises are true, and HE has never given more than I could bear.
I know my strength. I know what I can handle. And I know that HE is with me.
HE has big plans for me, Nick, and my kids. We are moving forward, and my heart begins to overflow with excitement.
We are waiting. Waiting to put a face to a name. Waiting to enter another world, meet another life, and bring her into our home to fill a missing puzzle piece of the children intended to be in our family.
"Oh my God, He will not delay. My refuge and strength, always. I will not fear, His promise is true, My God will come through always. Always."
Friday, March 25, 2011
The Thorn in My Flesh...
I need to write a book.
It would be called "To Do List: A Grieving Handbook for Mom's with Young Children, Full Time Jobs and No Time to Think." The cover would have a piece of paper with words written in grocery list form that goes something like this:
7:00 Wake up Kids
7:15 Make Breakfast, Brush Kids Teeth, Pack Lunches
8:00 Drop off at School
8:15 Start Laundry
8:30 Grocery Shopping
11:00 Lunch
11:30 Tears and Memories
11:32 Break up Fight
No one told me that going through this process of grief is impossible with three small kids, working full-time, being a wife, homework, adoption paperwork, etc., etc. No one prepared me for the onslaught of emotions that would roller coaster through my day, not by me, but by my three babies.
No one told me that one would yell at me, treat me like dirt, and then the next second cling to me for comfort. No one told me that my optimistic child would be talking about how lucky grandma is to be flying with the angels and the next almost break into tears when she hears her grandma's voice on the voicemail. No one told me that my 2 year old would suddenly want to sleep all the time as a coping mechanism to a traumatic event.
And yet this is the daily grind in my house working out our feelings with the absence of Grandma here.
I've got numbness down. If that was the one and only stage of grief, I'd be a pro. Honestly, I walk around in a daze most of the time doing my tasks. Playing a game, making lunch, making snack, doing laundry, picking up toys. Those things are easy, they don't require any feeling.
I've been struggling with severe insomnia. I will lie in my bed awake...all night. I will watch the hours tick by without one wink of sleep. I don't think about things, my mind isn't racing. But I've been told it is. In fact, my mind is working so hard to block out things that I just can't rest. I've resorted to taking sleeping pills for the last week after 3 nights of no sleep.
Sometimes I think I'm losing my mind. I forget the most common things. I forget to make arrangements for Owen to get to picked up from school. Or I forget that I did make arrangements and pick him up anyway. I forget to fill out homework or permission slips. I forget groceries that are written out clearly on my list. It's bizarre.
The other day I was at my wits end and I cried out to God. And He responded through two people (my wise husband and the great James MacDonald) with the same verse. "To keep me from becoming conceited because of these surpassingly great revelations, there was given to me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." 2 Corinthians 12:7
The thorn that Paul is referring to is an enduring source of personal pain. A thorn can be a physical ailment, a death, a bad decision that brings a lifetime of consequences, or some other problem that will not leave you. 2 Corinthians never specifically says what Paul's "thorn" in his life is, but it was something causing him great pain. I have two "thorns" in my life, they will remain nameless (they are not actually people), but have caused many trials, pain, and suffering. And the one thing I have noticed about these thorns is that they won't seem to go away.
I've been reading Job because I feel like he is a great example of how to keep the faith even when you feel like your whole world has been shaken and taken away from you. I find it interesting that Satan is given permission to hurt Job by God, but he cannot take Job's life. This testing is Job's thorn.
Thorns are sent by Satan to harrass and torment us, but must first be allowed by God. But why would God allow us to go through the torture and harrassment of Satan? It seems so cruel! God's goal in allowing the thorn is to use it for good. Otherwise, he would not allow it. God knew that Job was faithful and would not turn away from him even if he lost everything near and dear to him, including his wife and children. God has promised not to test us beyond what we can bear. "So, if you think you are standing firm, be careful that you don't fall! No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear." 1 Corinthians 10:12, 13
So what shall I do with this? It's hard to accept hardships. I definitely don't welcome it with open arms. I usually pray, "My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me." Like Jesus did in the Garden of Gethsemane (Matthew 26:39). But I NEVER follow up with "Yet not my will, but yours be done." How many times have I asked God to take away the pain and yet never tried to figure out why He was allowing it.
I need to really follow Christ's example when it comes to honoring God in my response. He says, "Shall I not drink the cup the Father has given me?" (John 18:11) Have I not been preaching how great God is? Have I not made my faith known in a good God who loves me unconditionally? I am risking all I have claimed to believe to come crashing down around me. Am I going to accept the cup given to me or am I going to run and hide from the seemingly never-ending testing in my life.
But Jesus' still small voice says, "My grace is sufficient for you." God's undeserved favor for me will get me through the deepest of trials. And that is the necessity of my thorns. Until I see my need for His grace, then I will never lean on Him and let him take control of my struggles.
I want to close with a quote from James MacDonald in his "When Trials Never End" series. It's what gets me through those days when the thorn feels more like a crown pressing down on my head causing deep scars and throbbing pain than just a prick in my finger. "Be content with your thorn. Submit and embrace it. Live your life with the thorn, because you love Christ so much."
What are your thorns? How can you honor God and boast your need for him.
It would be called "To Do List: A Grieving Handbook for Mom's with Young Children, Full Time Jobs and No Time to Think." The cover would have a piece of paper with words written in grocery list form that goes something like this:
7:00 Wake up Kids
7:15 Make Breakfast, Brush Kids Teeth, Pack Lunches
8:00 Drop off at School
8:15 Start Laundry
8:30 Grocery Shopping
11:00 Lunch
11:30 Tears and Memories
11:32 Break up Fight
No one told me that going through this process of grief is impossible with three small kids, working full-time, being a wife, homework, adoption paperwork, etc., etc. No one prepared me for the onslaught of emotions that would roller coaster through my day, not by me, but by my three babies.
No one told me that one would yell at me, treat me like dirt, and then the next second cling to me for comfort. No one told me that my optimistic child would be talking about how lucky grandma is to be flying with the angels and the next almost break into tears when she hears her grandma's voice on the voicemail. No one told me that my 2 year old would suddenly want to sleep all the time as a coping mechanism to a traumatic event.
And yet this is the daily grind in my house working out our feelings with the absence of Grandma here.
I've got numbness down. If that was the one and only stage of grief, I'd be a pro. Honestly, I walk around in a daze most of the time doing my tasks. Playing a game, making lunch, making snack, doing laundry, picking up toys. Those things are easy, they don't require any feeling.
I've been struggling with severe insomnia. I will lie in my bed awake...all night. I will watch the hours tick by without one wink of sleep. I don't think about things, my mind isn't racing. But I've been told it is. In fact, my mind is working so hard to block out things that I just can't rest. I've resorted to taking sleeping pills for the last week after 3 nights of no sleep.
Sometimes I think I'm losing my mind. I forget the most common things. I forget to make arrangements for Owen to get to picked up from school. Or I forget that I did make arrangements and pick him up anyway. I forget to fill out homework or permission slips. I forget groceries that are written out clearly on my list. It's bizarre.
The other day I was at my wits end and I cried out to God. And He responded through two people (my wise husband and the great James MacDonald) with the same verse. "To keep me from becoming conceited because of these surpassingly great revelations, there was given to me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." 2 Corinthians 12:7
The thorn that Paul is referring to is an enduring source of personal pain. A thorn can be a physical ailment, a death, a bad decision that brings a lifetime of consequences, or some other problem that will not leave you. 2 Corinthians never specifically says what Paul's "thorn" in his life is, but it was something causing him great pain. I have two "thorns" in my life, they will remain nameless (they are not actually people), but have caused many trials, pain, and suffering. And the one thing I have noticed about these thorns is that they won't seem to go away.
I've been reading Job because I feel like he is a great example of how to keep the faith even when you feel like your whole world has been shaken and taken away from you. I find it interesting that Satan is given permission to hurt Job by God, but he cannot take Job's life. This testing is Job's thorn.
Thorns are sent by Satan to harrass and torment us, but must first be allowed by God. But why would God allow us to go through the torture and harrassment of Satan? It seems so cruel! God's goal in allowing the thorn is to use it for good. Otherwise, he would not allow it. God knew that Job was faithful and would not turn away from him even if he lost everything near and dear to him, including his wife and children. God has promised not to test us beyond what we can bear. "So, if you think you are standing firm, be careful that you don't fall! No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear." 1 Corinthians 10:12, 13
So what shall I do with this? It's hard to accept hardships. I definitely don't welcome it with open arms. I usually pray, "My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me." Like Jesus did in the Garden of Gethsemane (Matthew 26:39). But I NEVER follow up with "Yet not my will, but yours be done." How many times have I asked God to take away the pain and yet never tried to figure out why He was allowing it.
I need to really follow Christ's example when it comes to honoring God in my response. He says, "Shall I not drink the cup the Father has given me?" (John 18:11) Have I not been preaching how great God is? Have I not made my faith known in a good God who loves me unconditionally? I am risking all I have claimed to believe to come crashing down around me. Am I going to accept the cup given to me or am I going to run and hide from the seemingly never-ending testing in my life.
But Jesus' still small voice says, "My grace is sufficient for you." God's undeserved favor for me will get me through the deepest of trials. And that is the necessity of my thorns. Until I see my need for His grace, then I will never lean on Him and let him take control of my struggles.
I want to close with a quote from James MacDonald in his "When Trials Never End" series. It's what gets me through those days when the thorn feels more like a crown pressing down on my head causing deep scars and throbbing pain than just a prick in my finger. "Be content with your thorn. Submit and embrace it. Live your life with the thorn, because you love Christ so much."
What are your thorns? How can you honor God and boast your need for him.
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Sunday, March 13, 2011
You Are Mine...
Sometimes the truth hurts. Sometimes what is real is so hard to take that we hide behind a facade. There are no facades here because the feelings are too raw.
March marks the one year "anniversary" of the darkest time in my life.
I'm not usually a sad person. I typically am happy and try to find the good in every situation. Sure, I can be a cynic at times, but I tend to be more optimistic. That being said, depression is not a struggle of mine. I hardly find myself "down in the dumps". A year ago, this was not true. But that was not a mental depression.
This was spiritual.
One thing that you will learn about me is that I am stubborn. Not slightly...but absurdly stubborn.
After a year of ups and downs with my mom's health, Nick's career, the uncertainty of what our futures held in ministry, I had decided that enough was enough. I was not going to take the risk of allowing any more testing or trials in my life.
I was exhausted of never knowing what lay around the next corner. Not knowing what tomorrow would bring. Exhausted of feeling out of control and unsettled for months on end.
I drew my line in the sand.
I picture a young child who has just been told to do something she does not want to do. First, she simply says, "No." After seeing that this mild disobedience is not being received by the parent, the child raises her voice and says, "NO!" After continuing to seeing that her answer is being denied and she must still complete the task she's been given, what does she do?
She turns her back, covers her ears, and closes her eyes. This was me.
I shut God out. It was too much of a risk to allow Him near me. If I did my devotions and read my Bible, I was going to feel convicted to continue each struggle in faith. In my prayer time, I felt that I wasn't trusting God with control over my life and all its circumstances. I turned my back completely so that God would have no access to me.
Of course, we all know that turning our backs does not take away God's power and control over this life, but sometimes He does back off so that we can learn some hard lessons in our rebellion.
I was miserable. God was nowhere in my life. I could feel it and those closest to me could see it.
During this time, I was cleaning houses with my sister-in-law, Jill. We had so many conversations about the struggles I was having and the anger that burned in me. How I just didn't know how to trust God, and that I didn't want to. It was during one of these conversations that she quoted a line from C.S. Lewis' book "The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe." When describing Aslan (who is a metaphor for Jesus), it is said:
"Aslan is not safe, but He is Good."
This statement grabbed on to me. I'm not the most theologically wise person, not even close, so at first I stumbled over what these words meant. The more I thought about them, the more I realized what the author was saying.
Christianity was never meant to be the easy way. We were never promised wealth, fame, health, and good fortune. In fact, Christ said that we must daily suffer and take up our cross (Luke 9:23) and that we would face hardships of many kinds (Acts 14:22). He says that we will be tested and tried in our faith (James 1:12), and that the road is narrow.
Our goal in this life is to be refined into His likeness. God is pure holiness, and He uses tests and trials of all kinds to build our faith and reliance on Him to get through those times. So when we have persevered through those challenging times we will be more like Him than before.
After months of mulling over this idea and finally accepting that God has called me to a season of testing, I realized that He did this because He demands perfection in order to be in His presence. I am not perfect by a LONG, LONG, LONG shot, and He knows that. This is why He sent Jesus to die on the cross for my sin, to take my imperfection and replace it with His perfection. And why did he do this?
Because He loves me.
I was looking at God as a tyrant. As some big bully in the sky who decided to deal out some misfortune in my life as if He were up there rolling the dice in a game of chance. I sometimes wondered if He was chuckling at each little obstacle He put in my way.
But He wasn't.
His heart was hurting as much as mine was. He hates to see His children in pain, but He does it as discipline and training because He loves us. I think of my own kids and how I must discipline them to teach them to make better choices next time. I don't do it with an evil laugh or because I can lord it over them. In fact, I HATE sending my kids to time out or grounding them from a special event. Why? Because I love them, and I hate to see the tears that fall when they've lost something special. It's the same with God.
And I never realized it.
Last summer, I had my own personal revival. I fell in love with Jesus again, like I hadn't in a long time. I saw Him in a new light and knew that He loved me. And because I loved Him, I could abandon all control and know that I can trust Him in every trial.
I'm writing this tonight because I'm angry.
I see myself shaking my fist at God and asking "Why? God, Why?" Were these trials for nothing? Did I not gain anything but only lose tremendously. I feel the child in me stomping my feet on the floor, crossing my arms and sticking my tongue out. He's not playing fair.
"Now fear the Lord and serve him with all faithfulness...But if serving the LORD seems undesirable to you, then choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve." Joshua 24:15
This verse echoed in my mind throughout the day today. I've been lacks in my devotionals and prayer time. Call it busyness or just mere stubborness. (I think its mostly the latter.) I'm angry, and I've been choosing to serve the child wallowing in self-pity. It doesn't feel good.
"But as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord."
Today I will choose the Lord.
March marks the one year "anniversary" of the darkest time in my life.
I'm not usually a sad person. I typically am happy and try to find the good in every situation. Sure, I can be a cynic at times, but I tend to be more optimistic. That being said, depression is not a struggle of mine. I hardly find myself "down in the dumps". A year ago, this was not true. But that was not a mental depression.
This was spiritual.
One thing that you will learn about me is that I am stubborn. Not slightly...but absurdly stubborn.
After a year of ups and downs with my mom's health, Nick's career, the uncertainty of what our futures held in ministry, I had decided that enough was enough. I was not going to take the risk of allowing any more testing or trials in my life.
I was exhausted of never knowing what lay around the next corner. Not knowing what tomorrow would bring. Exhausted of feeling out of control and unsettled for months on end.
I drew my line in the sand.
I picture a young child who has just been told to do something she does not want to do. First, she simply says, "No." After seeing that this mild disobedience is not being received by the parent, the child raises her voice and says, "NO!" After continuing to seeing that her answer is being denied and she must still complete the task she's been given, what does she do?
She turns her back, covers her ears, and closes her eyes. This was me.
I shut God out. It was too much of a risk to allow Him near me. If I did my devotions and read my Bible, I was going to feel convicted to continue each struggle in faith. In my prayer time, I felt that I wasn't trusting God with control over my life and all its circumstances. I turned my back completely so that God would have no access to me.
Of course, we all know that turning our backs does not take away God's power and control over this life, but sometimes He does back off so that we can learn some hard lessons in our rebellion.
I was miserable. God was nowhere in my life. I could feel it and those closest to me could see it.
During this time, I was cleaning houses with my sister-in-law, Jill. We had so many conversations about the struggles I was having and the anger that burned in me. How I just didn't know how to trust God, and that I didn't want to. It was during one of these conversations that she quoted a line from C.S. Lewis' book "The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe." When describing Aslan (who is a metaphor for Jesus), it is said:
"Aslan is not safe, but He is Good."
This statement grabbed on to me. I'm not the most theologically wise person, not even close, so at first I stumbled over what these words meant. The more I thought about them, the more I realized what the author was saying.
Christianity was never meant to be the easy way. We were never promised wealth, fame, health, and good fortune. In fact, Christ said that we must daily suffer and take up our cross (Luke 9:23) and that we would face hardships of many kinds (Acts 14:22). He says that we will be tested and tried in our faith (James 1:12), and that the road is narrow.
Our goal in this life is to be refined into His likeness. God is pure holiness, and He uses tests and trials of all kinds to build our faith and reliance on Him to get through those times. So when we have persevered through those challenging times we will be more like Him than before.
After months of mulling over this idea and finally accepting that God has called me to a season of testing, I realized that He did this because He demands perfection in order to be in His presence. I am not perfect by a LONG, LONG, LONG shot, and He knows that. This is why He sent Jesus to die on the cross for my sin, to take my imperfection and replace it with His perfection. And why did he do this?
Because He loves me.
I was looking at God as a tyrant. As some big bully in the sky who decided to deal out some misfortune in my life as if He were up there rolling the dice in a game of chance. I sometimes wondered if He was chuckling at each little obstacle He put in my way.
But He wasn't.
His heart was hurting as much as mine was. He hates to see His children in pain, but He does it as discipline and training because He loves us. I think of my own kids and how I must discipline them to teach them to make better choices next time. I don't do it with an evil laugh or because I can lord it over them. In fact, I HATE sending my kids to time out or grounding them from a special event. Why? Because I love them, and I hate to see the tears that fall when they've lost something special. It's the same with God.
And I never realized it.
Last summer, I had my own personal revival. I fell in love with Jesus again, like I hadn't in a long time. I saw Him in a new light and knew that He loved me. And because I loved Him, I could abandon all control and know that I can trust Him in every trial.
I'm writing this tonight because I'm angry.
I see myself shaking my fist at God and asking "Why? God, Why?" Were these trials for nothing? Did I not gain anything but only lose tremendously. I feel the child in me stomping my feet on the floor, crossing my arms and sticking my tongue out. He's not playing fair.
"Now fear the Lord and serve him with all faithfulness...But if serving the LORD seems undesirable to you, then choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve." Joshua 24:15
This verse echoed in my mind throughout the day today. I've been lacks in my devotionals and prayer time. Call it busyness or just mere stubborness. (I think its mostly the latter.) I'm angry, and I've been choosing to serve the child wallowing in self-pity. It doesn't feel good.
"But as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord."
Today I will choose the Lord.
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